Sex and Divorce

I was talking with a guy this week who was trying to capture me as a financial planning client while I was trying to capture him as a referral source for loans. Nice guy, good looking, athletic, about 47 years old. Our conversation went the normal route of set-up niceties before getting down to business – two boys in their teens, divorced for 13 years, career journey through various paths, landed in his current gig half a dozen years ago and is now settled and happy. Not remarried. In the 90 minutes we spent together his married life came up again. He divorced her. She wasn’t equally yoked to him spiritually and as we got down to it, didn’t fill his emotional cup by speaking his love language.

Hmm. Nice guy. Smart. Good looking and I would guess good-looking former wife who by any reasonable guess was normal and enjoyable. Divorced. Back 13 years ago, he had concluded in his 34 year old mind that his frustrations with her were irreconcilable and the path would be better for himself and his boys to call it quits. So I asked him, “In your maturity now with your current understanding of love languages (he took a seminar), your current ability to identify and articulate your feelings, and your knowledge of the last 13 years, do you think you could have navigated your difficulties back then?” He looked taken aback, looked down and said, “Absolutely”.

Every marriage has difficulties. It’s clear that the life God has created for mankind requires mental, emotional, and relational challenges if we are to become the individuals of our potential. The experience of conflict doesn’t feel so good, but the result on the other side of reconciliation is hugely beneficial. “Hey that wasn’t fun. What do we need to do to avoid feeling that way again?” In the above guy’s scenario, he was not able to avoid ‘feeling that way again’ as his marriage revisited their difficulty over and over again until the frustrations calcified into seemingly unbreakable patterns.

Here’s what I think occurred based on my hearing of his story. In effect, “Hey hon, can we be together tonight?” In effect, “No”. What she hears, “Hey, can I use your body for my physical release?” What he hears, “I don’t love you.” The ideal result of conflict resolution is to mature spiritually. What I mean by that is your marriage relationship is not just a series of transactions: I make the money; you clean the house. I cook the dinner; you mow the lawn. I manage the finances; you present your body when I need it. Marriage certainly has trades that are conveniences and efficiencies, sure, but at the core of marriage is the continuous opportunity to reconcile perspective differences and lift “we” over asserting “self”. Just because you get married, doesn’t mean you become a “we”, clearly. It takes lots of time, discussion, conflict, new situations, freedom, responsibility, and conflict. And working through that has benefits in relational cohesion, trust, and intimacy – aka spiritual maturity (even more so when God is intentionally invoked).

My understanding of this guy is superficial. But he agreed that his divorce was due to immaturity on his part. He didn’t say that, but that’s what I took away. Marital conflict is when through the transactions of life one or both people come away unfulfilled. Resolution comes when a reasonable understanding occurs and a path around the difficulty is navigated. That’s why sex, or lack of sex, is so challenging. A woman’s mind/body is a puzzle encased in an enigma wrapped in a conundrum. Very often she doesn’t know why she feels the way she feels about sex. Circumstances, hormones (particularly birth control pills), children, the relationship, food, monthly cycle, economics, and stated or unstated unwell-being in her world all play a role in her ability to fill one’s cup. It’s probably not desire at issue; it’s capacity. If he walks away from regular conflict with the ultimate conclusion that since she can’t figure out how to bring herself to the marital bed with an agreeable attitude, then he isn’t being fulfilled nor loved. Yes, I conclude that is immature.

The gift here is to figure this out. It’s not easy, but it’s important. Yes, their boys will acclimate to divorce, as they no doubt have. Divorce is not abnormal these days, so there’s no social stigma, but there is a generational impact. Look, I’m not looking to hammer this guy or any guy on deciding to divorce. It’s “understandable”. As humans, we are deep into life well before we have the maturity to easily navigate our circumstances.

In order to have a strong marriage, in my opinion, you must deal with those issues while they’re small and not calcified frustrations, because by then it may be too late. You should ask, “How are we doing? I’m feeling very good about where we are, how about you?” These are questions to ask one another when times are good. Any weeds in your garden get pulled early when they are small. For Lis and I, we didn’t always do that. Sometimes some bugger grew underground for a while and erupted like Jack’s beanstalk. Yet we persevered and cut that sucker down and got to a deep intimacy.

Today’s Letter may have been a bit preachy. Here’s the takeaway: If your relationship is going well, it won’t always, so build good relational habits now. If your relationship is challenged here or there, that’s good. Take heart. This situation is designed specifically for you to mature in heart, mind, and in God’s ways.

To your marital intimacy,

Dave Marr