Personal

Jason Bourne (The Bourne Identity) is a lone wolf.  The character (not Matt Damon) is the epitome of manliness, mystery, danger, skill, toughness, detachment, sexuality, and is an island of self containment.  He’s a little more mysterious than 007, but still has a license and ability to kill.  Jason Bourne, James Bond, Dirk Pitt, Jack Ryan, Mitch Rapp – all characters who exude the independent, “I can do it on my own, no one understands me because I’m so tough and dangerous, I’m usually three steps ahead of just about everybody, and women really dig me” kind of guy.  He has power.

Ok, that’s cool.  I love those kind of movies.  In fact, I was in a Dirk Pitt movie (Sahara) as the iconic lone wolf waiter.  But that’s another story.  Those movies sell really well because they touch men at an inner level of self imagery.  Men want to see themselves as heroic.  They want to be desired by women.  They want to do it on their own, to be beholden to no man, wear the cool watch, drive the awesome car, and be free to satisfy themselves on the next female conquest.  Working in a cubicle 2080 hours a year, sack lunching it because your student loans and car payment suck up your cash flow, playing poker video at work to escape responsibility for a short while, going home and scrambling to get the kids fed, bathed, jammied, read to, and in bed for the night with hopes that your wife isn’t too tired to respond to your begging for sex – doesn’t seem like the life of danger and adventure.  Men’s minds wander.  Of course your life won’t be that way.

I don’t know any guy that hasn’t had some variation on the lone wolf idea.  Taken to the far end of this thinking (not even extreme far end), men do have sexual affairs outside the marriage, men do go it alone by turning a deaf ear, men do wall out the world to those who would bring them love and happiness.  Men do become dispirited.  They make movies like Hall Pass because of the commonplace contrast between men’s youthful expectations that continue to live in a middle aged body. Men can wake up one day disappointed in how little they’ve done in their life. The manly imagery they once held comes to crisis against the mundane workaday life they now lead.  Don’t think this is late 40’s stuff and is too far away for you twenty-somethings to worry about.  It becomes possible the day a man sees himself cemented in a life as a mere provider with no way out.

Thinking that way is a misperception of “reality”. First of all it’s important to understand that the lone wolf imagery is a fantasy that doesn’t truly exist (as I know you know).  As you mature in life you recognize the compromises necessary to balance self expression and family fulfillment – adventure of travel or little Joanie’s braces; being in top shape or keeping a job that requires travel; and recognizing that your wife will have ebbs and flows that are a function of the female life – are all realities of life.  That’s how life goes. So starting with an understanding of how life channels you down that potential pathway at least gives you a heads up.

Secondly, and this is pretty much my main driver with Ironmen, the more you take ownership of your life by showing up every day with the intention of succeeding in marriage, business and finances, health, and all the rest of it, the more likely you will succeed; and, in succeeding, have a greater likelihood of a life with more choices.  Everyone recognizes that 5 years ago you were less mature than you are today.  What is harder to understand is how much more mature you’ll be 5 years from now. It depends. If you get excited about your life; write down your goals for this year; include your wife (or girlfriend) in your plans; meet with like-minded guys every week and brainstorm success; measure your weekly successes against your plan – this will maximize your potential and your maturity.  This path will create a dynamic, energized, intentional, adventurous, fun existence.

The result will be that you will have too much personal momentum to mess with some extramarital woman, some superficial auto bling, or some job drama, or anything else that will remove you from the path of substance. Yes, you can be that man of power.

Fantasy is fine.  Enjoy the movies.

To your continued success.

Dave Marr

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.”  – Calvin Coolidge

“Never give in. Never give in. Never. Never. Never – in nothing, great or small, large or petty – never give in, except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”  – Winston Churchill, October 29, 1941

These are two of my favorite quotes. I have many that guide me, but these two stand out. You can easily see how they relate to one another. Resolve. Will power. Persistence. Internal fortitude. Character. If that were all, they’d be great quotes. But there’s more. Much more. To wit:

When you hold yourself to account I’d bet everything I have that you don’t see yourself as some obsequious fool bowing down to gain favor until the slightest sign of difficulty arises. Rather you see yourself as up and coming, with direction, eyes held firm on the long road towards a life of significance and well-being, relative wealth and influence, connectedness and love. That is a good and appropriate vision, and manly so. Assuming you’re on the front end of life, that vision you hold has yet to be tested with any real tribulation. You know it will, but not how it will. You know you’ll face difficult times, but not the depth of that difficulty. And you may fear you’re not up to the task the day your mettle is tested in the fires of adversity.

Difficulty comes in all shapes and sizes. Being in a job that requires you to perform consistently to the vision of the company is the most common. Coolidge speaks to that. Talent, mental acuity, and education account for little if you don’t persist from moment to moment in your daily tasks. It is so easy to get up and take a coffee break to ease the burden of enduring mental effort. In sales, facing yet another “no” requires fortitude to make the call anyway. Keeping your mind and attitude positive and uplifting is more an internal discipline rather than a consequence of ease and pleasure. Coolidge rightfully says that these qualities of persistence and discipline alone will determine the likelihood of fulfilling your life’s vision.

And then there’s the Churchill quote. Sometimes events present themselves to you that will require more than everyday diligence. I have been moderately tested. When my wife broke her back and couldn’t lift our 2 year old or stand for more than 10 minutes, couldn’t sleep, and was dealing with serious pain which drained much joy from our life, that was a 7 year journey I couldn’t anticipate. It knocked me off the vision I held for my life. When the housing and stock market crashed and it was raining fire, that was another 7 year detour from my vision.

But here’s the thing, in the quotes above, each infers a vision, a hope, a way of life that you must steel yourself to. In the speech in which Churchill is quoted, he talks about how the nation “stood in the gap” with no flinching or thought of giving in. He gave words to his nation to inspire them to the struggle at hand. People need inspiration. My wife needed inspiration that she would come through. And through the difficulty with faith and encouragement, she did. My company needed inspiration that sterner days would lead to the sunny uplands (from the speech). And through perseverance, we did.

2017 offers you the opportunity to prove your mettle in small and meaningful ways. Your desires, your goals for the year, are but a Coolidgian training ground. You are developing your character, your ability to press on in the face of everyday challenges. Should you need that character in some Churchillian future where the flame of hope is a flicker in a storm, you will have the tested strength to Never, Never, Never, Never… Never give in.

To your growing character,

Dave Marr