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The Last Nickel

I used to work out with this guy who was pretty successful. I say “was” because as far as I know, he’s not anymore. I saw him the other day and he looked pretty weathered. He’s fallen on hard times, of sort, I mean he’s not panhandling or anything, but he’s not riding high like he used to. Gone is the Porsche and Hummer. Gone is the big house. Gone is the swagger. I think I know why – The Last Nickel.

Back in the day, maybe 20 years ago, he and I lifted weights together in the mornings. We got to know each other well enough and I considered us friends. As you would expect, we shared stories of life and business. Over time, I came to know a bunch of guys that were in his industry and occasionally his name would come up and they all would get the same look on their face – “Oh, he’s tough. I wouldn’t do business with him for the most part” would be the general sense. At one point, he was buying a new home, so he asked me to do his loan. At the end of the deal, just as we were wrapping up, he called me to discuss my fee. We were friends. I just originated  his loan and knew exactly how much he made, what his net worth was, pretty much everything. He was killing it and I was not. He asked if I would reduce my fee. I might have mentioned that we were friends, so I said I would. I offered to cut it about 10%. Silence.

“What?” I asked.
“I was thinking you’d cut it in half. I mean, I brought you the deal, we’re friends, half is a good paycheck for such an easy deal. Half makes sense.”

In the end, I cut it another 10% and we moved on. But we didn’t move on; or rather, I didn’t. I don’t mind negotiating. People should negotiate and this guy was good at asking for more. If you don’t ask, you don’t get for sure. But this seemed different. The money wasn’t material, he was doing it for sport. I didn’t quite articulate it in my head at the time, but I wasn’t easy on how this went down. It felt like he wanted to look down on me as a lesser being.

A while later, he was telling me about a deal he put together buying a piece of land. It was at the end of his telling me this story I knew we couldn’t be friends. He had negotiated to buy the ground and said he got a good price. Then after due diligence, he went back and asked for a price reduction. He got it! He was thrilled. He laughed. Then, the story continued, as the contract date where his earnest money would become non refundable, he went to the Seller, this old guy as he described him, and told him he couldn’t close at the contract price. He needed another price reduction. He got it!!! Now the price was a crazy low price and ‘my friend’ was ecstatic. But then, the story went on, as closing approached, he went back one more time because he knew the Seller had purchased another property and needed this one to close. He asked for a huge discount in order to close on time.  He was laughing at how he bent this old guy over. And so you see how at the end of him telling me this, I was appalled. I knew we couldn’t be friends because of this man’s belief that all’s fair in business. His ethic was “If you can, you should.”

The entire history of mankind has stories like this where a shark eats a flounder. My ex-friend’s style wasn’t to just win, it was to capture trophies. He wanted the heads of animals that he killed mounted on his wall. When negotiating, if there was a nickel left on the table, he needed it. He wouldn’t close the deal without it. That kind of style leaves a residual as all styles do. The kind of feeling I had when our loan deal concluded was such that I couldn’t trust him to consider my interests if we were to ever do business together. And so we never did. And, as it turns out, one by one others fell out of his life till he became somewhat of a pariah. In the end, one guy got so pissed off he made it his mission to bring Last Nickel down by buying up his outstanding bank debt and forced this guy into bankruptcy.

Accumulate stories like this in a man’s life and what are the possible outcomes? His vibe was one of a shark’s. I have known many “Last Nickel” guys like that and one by one I’ve eliminated them from my life. They are not win/win or mutual benefit guys. They see the world as a killer sport or survival of the fittest where the only ethics are power plays. Last Nickel is now down to his last nickel and legally bankrupt, but I propose he was morally bankrupt long before that.

“No man is an island”, starts the poem by John Donne. It ends “And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;

It tolls for thee.”

To your building a residual of a win/win style,

Dave Marr

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By | November 18th, 2016|Personal, Relational|0 Comments

The Most Powerful Aspect of Attitude

We are talking about factors of economic success. I said that Attitude is the greatest factor that you have control over that leads to you having more ching in your pocket than not. Another factor that overlaps here with Attitude is Intelligence. But not just the raw horsepower kind, because you have been given through nature and nurture what you have today by way of processing power. No, that kind of intelligence isn’t an attitude. Where Intelligence is an attitude, where it’s a choice, is through a powerful tool in shaping your future – curiosity.

Curiosity is a choice and a powerful one. It says, “Hey, that’s interesting!”. “I’m going to focus on some thing, some topic, some idea for a while and in doing so, I’m going to gain.I’m going to change. I’m going to be bigger.” What is it to lack curiosity? Is it to be certain? Maybe to be arrogant? To be dull? I don’t know, but it doesn’t sound like a place where you grow much. To have curiosity, then, is to be open to new information, new ideas, evolving your mind, to show initiative in your life. Curiosity on any topic – sports, science, business, human nature, God, women, parenting, gardening – is to ask how life works.
Let me stop and highlight the underlined “to show initiative in your life”. When you’re curious, you stop, you mentally pause into present mindedness which is the most powerful mindset to have. You summarize the context of your life and say that right here and right now you want to focus the most important elements of your life, your mind and your time, on this particular thing. At this immortal moment of now, you are curious, investigating, gaining, learning. What can possibly be the outcome of that? Compound this moment into the next and the next, and what can be the end result of thousands of now moments of curiosity? You become more knowledgeable, skilled, intelligent, and interesting. Yes, interesting. To be interested is to be interesting.
A major point of these Letters is to arrest your momentum, to stop you from ‘blah, blah, blhad, aslfa,qeahghv…” going through a multitude of emails, articles, and data streaming where you can’t remember anything in particular just like you can barely remember what you ate 2 nights ago. But to stop and become present minded and therefore strategic – Who am I? Where am I going? What’s important to me? What do I want to invest my ‘now’ moments in when I’m not otherwise occupied with life? Curiosity in meaningful topics (meaningful to you) invests your energy in life-giving pursuits.
I have made some major mistakes in life and this is one of them. In my youth, I arrogantly believed that I was something special. Yes, I’m special in the eyes of God, but you know what I mean. I’m telling you now, I wasted soooo much of my youth on arrogance. I regret it immensely. That feeling of ‘having the answers’ manifested itself in my behavior as being decidedly un-curious. It wasn’t till my 40’s that I turned up the heat on present minded curiosity, basically to just be interested in the stuff of life. Become curious and you’ll never be bored a day in your life.
Here’s the thing: If you want to be successful in life, if you want rich rewards of economics, relationships, spiritual depth, and personal density you must become curious. It’s a muscle. If you haven’t started an Ironmen group, start one. Find guys that are curious and willing to invest some consistent time and get going. Be curious about what makes them tick. This Ironmen forum will hold up a mirror to your own inner workings – How does motivation work? How does discipline work? How do you build success habits? How can you sustain behavioral energy over a long period of time? Where do I have blind spots?
Aren’t you just a bit curious to the answers to these questions?

To a curious life,

Dave Marr

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By | November 5th, 2016|Getting Started, Personal, Relational|0 Comments

The Baton

Yesterday marked the 9th year of my dad’s passing. This is in his honor. Do you have someone you could honor while they’re still here?

The sweat dripped from his brow as he scaled the hill. His muscles were fit but lean from the years of training. No longer carried by the meaty limbs of his youth that bounded with certainty among the rocky terrain, he picked his way with crafty precision with a mind toward efficiency sparing his remaining strength. The hill was a long one and the injuries of past events could be felt with every step. The many scrapes and scars stood out against his sinews as he pumped up the hill.

His breath was strong despite the slope, though his pace slowed a touch as his strength faded, the crest fast approaching. The race continued after his part was done; his job was nearing completion. The baton weighed more now than a short while ago, but he remembered when it weighed nothing at all. When the race started so long ago, the baton seemingly weighed nothing in actuality compared to what he thought it might. How he imagined the weight would cramp him and cause him to stumble. But in the end, he carried it well like so many before.

Looking up he could see the next runner waiting at the mile stone, running in place with fresh legs, the sun anointing him with a golden glow around his head. Squinting, he couldn’t see the next runner’s expression backlit against the sun. However, as he neared, an eager smile appeared. He firmed his pace down the stretch so the handoff would be on his terms; where he could look into the next runner’s eyes as an equal, not as one who had spent his last to gain the final yard. He would carry the baton at a solid pace running along side for but a short while. Then with an easy manner pass the baton to the next runner wanting so much to encourage him, to explain the course, to describe what meaning can be derived from the race itself. But in the end, after a few paces where the untested energy of the new contestant begged to be released, he handed off the baton.

He kept pace for a couple of strides and caught the eyes for but a glance.  And what a glance. Optimistic and full of light, the new runner smiled with a wide grin and unknowing but heartfelt appreciation. With a slight wave of his hand that held the baton, the young runner eased his stride respectfully, but certainly. He moved smoothly away. The older runner, without baton, running no longer had meaning. But after such a long race, stopping didn’t seem right either. He carried on for a bit till the baton runner melted into the sun. At that point, when he could see the other runner wasn’t going to fall or drop the baton or need anything whatsoever, he slowed his pace to a walk. The race continued, but not for him. He had run to the best of his ability and now that he had passed the baton, it was time to rest. The baton ran ever towards the sun, but here, evening had already begun to set. It would be nighttime soon. Time to get off the hill and rest.  

To grandpa and morfar with love.

To your continued success,
Dave

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By | September 11th, 2015|Relational|0 Comments

Where Possible and Impossible Intersect

Gentlemen,

Over the last while, I’ve been promoting the idea that perspective and effort are key ingredients to your success. Fair enough, how could one argue that? With respect to that, this letter will hopefully bring into focus why I think this is a critical stage in life for you.

“Possible”.

What an ambiguous word. It indicates reachability, but lacks the context of expanded capability. In other words, the more effort you put toward reaching your potential, the more potential your reach is capable. “Impossible” is more clear isn’t it? It says that regardless of your effort, you’re not going to get there. Where does possible and impossible intersect? What are you capable of?

You are at the stage in life where you are deciding where possible and impossible meet. It’s different for different people. A quote last week expressed that – “In Nature, we are all born unfree and unequal; subject to our physical and psychological heredity, and to the customs and traditions of our group; diversely endowed in health and strength, in mental capacity and qualities of character.” (Will Durant). That is the backdrop of you contemplating what is in store for you. For you to compete in life – “win” in economics (income and wealth creation), “win” a woman’s heart, “win” in sports and health, and “win” in creating a life of well-being, you must pursue this question of what’s possible for your life.

What I mean by that is you see your current self in a certain way, your future life in a certain way. That idea is somewhere on the scale of accurate, very or not very. That’s your starting point. As you move forward with effort, you get feedback on how accurate your self perception is. That should be encouraging even if you were naively inaccurate. Because now you can adjust your perspectives and adjust your efforts. For example, if you want to be wealthy with the freedoms to have a family that travels and enjoys all the positive aspects of wealth and be able to experience the fullness of life but haven’t made any progress towards understanding how money accrues to individuals (value goes to value), then you could be delusionally thinking that some future effort will save your dreams. No, only current effort will save your dreams. Now, money isn’t everything for sure. So another example, if you had dreams of running the Boston Marathon, but your training schedule isn’t going to get you under 4 hours, again, you’re fooling yourself. If your dream is to bring 10,000 people to a spiritual awakening, then you’d better start practicing your communication skills. These examples illustrate how reality provides feedback so you can adjust your thinking and actions so you can better achieve your goals.

Here’s the thing: Between 25 and 35 years of age, you are at the peak of your life’s ability to define yourself. Thereafter, you’re refining and improving on the choices you’ve made. Gross overgeneralization, but largely true. In your 20’s, you’re exploring, developing early stage skill development, learning personal autonomy, meeting Miss Right, graduating from your parents’ mindset and developing your own by dreaming about and acting on where you’re going in life. In your 30’s, you are on the long road, making a family with Mrs. Right, becoming an adult by practicing the skill of balancing competing demands on your time, energy, and resources. In your 30’s, you increasingly solidify in your mind as to what’s possible. In your 40’s, you’ve climbed up the mountain and attained a degree of freedom; however, in some ways the errors in your past judgments must be resolved. You are at the fulcrum of youth and wisdom thereby further adjusting what’s possible.

So in today’s stage it’s important to recognize that you are building your capacity for attaining your potential. Perspective and effort are factors for success. Yet there are two subsets to those that can prevent you from moving forward more aggressively in building a rewarding life – stalled momentum and cynicism. You get a car going by accelerating. But when you’re no longer accelerating, then you’re coasting. It’s ok to harvest the momentum you’ve already created for a short while; but if coasting becomes your lifestyle, then what’s possible is diminished. Sure, coasting, which looks very similar to drifting, is ok to a reasonable extent; but coast too long and that becomes the style you’re ingraining. Your capacity for growth will adjust to that effort. Don’t let Someday Isle be a shore where your ship lies at anchor.

Coasting can be bad, but cynicism is worse. I think we have an epidemic societal problem with this. It is negative belief in micro and macro. In the micro, cynicism puts a negative tinge to every piece of information that comes your way – “Oh, they’re just profiting from this and don’t really care about me, just the dollars”. Cynicism, which leads to pessimism, colors your view of human nature. Optimism and good naturedness are replaced by self protection. Self protection is good to an extent, but too much cynical filter and you attract to you more of what you expect. In the macro, individual man needs mankind to be good in order to build teams, build trust, build a community that thrives. Cynicism is enemy to genuine goodness.

Therefore men, (perspective and effort) if you’re reading this letter with only an intellectual curiosity and are not compelled to look at yourself and your actions, then maybe you value momentum too much, maybe you’ve become cynical to some degree in your heart. Maybe you think you’re doing well enough (and maybe you are), but maybe there’s more “possible” for you. I’m pretty sure there isn’t one person out there that couldn’t benefit from the addition of one positive habit added to their day where 6 months from now you’d look back and see how much more was possible in your life and how your dreams can intersect with reality. For you, now is the stage in life where it’s the easiest to increase your capacity for what’s possible.

Get after it.

To your continued success,

Dave

P.S. This year we’ve added a bunch of new guys in the conversation. Make yourself known by sending me an email (yes, old school) and introduce yourself. Guys in London, Panama, Illinois, Colorado, Japan, Nebraska, and Louisiana to name a few, give me a shout.

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By | July 31st, 2015|Relational|0 Comments

Know Thyself

Know Thyself.  (Inscribed on the entrance archway at the Temple of Apollo in Delphi.)

In these weekly letters, I cover topics designed to spur reflection and awareness that leads to a mindset of intentionality and action which if pursued consistently would yield success and happiness. You want your life to be enjoyable, meaningful, substantive, and successful. No aspect of your life is therefore more meaningful toward achieving those ends than energizing yourself by understanding – where you’ve come from, what your motivations are, what your doubts and fears are, how your immaturities help you and hinder you, how you fool yourself on things big and small, and how your idiosyncrasies spice your world with your unique flavor. It is by this easy therapy you can be more effective in achieving your goals by getting in rhythm.

You come from the cloud of your childhood to this moment. Since the time you came to be aware of your own existence you have been on a quest to know yourself. You look long in a mirror trying to figure out why you are the way you are. It is elusive because you constantly change like the man that cannot step into the same river twice. Your essence is part discovery and part declaration. You struggle with motivation and consistency. Your thinking seems clear, but so it did 10 years ago and you recall your maturity then. You know that you’re influenced by your inputs (TV, internet, friends), but don’t know by how much. You criticize yourself for being a chameleon that changes opinions depending on environment. You can be lazy, putting off for tomorrow those things you know will improve your life, but don’t know the cumulative impact of all those micro choices so the cost of laziness seems only theoretical.

I have found the toughest thing to do in life is come up with an idea for myself that will “get me off the dime” as my uncle once told me. I can come up with a gajillion ideas for other people, but somehow I freeze when I turn the scope on myself. Too often I have let life drift.

“I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving:  To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it – but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor.

– Oliver Wendel Holmes

This is why I believe an Ironmen group is such an incredibly important tool for success. You can’t drift.

When I say that your life is part discovery, your Ironmates will hold a mirror up to you and show you who you are. You don’t have to rip on each other, but proactive honesty is the best. In my group, we have talked about some hard stuff that has led to our betterment. Both Brad and Rich have called me out on some hypocrisies, but significantly have also pointed out some strengths I was not aware of.  All of my groups have done that.

When I say your life is part declaration, you get to set your goals. You get to make statements about how you’re going to be from this day forward. When I told a friend that because he was consistently 20-30 minutes late to everything people thought he was a flake. He declared to me that he would be on time and demonstrate in other ways that he was reliable. I declared in my late 20’s that I was tired of eating Campbell’s Soup every night and I would work hard till I was successful. In my 30’s, I declared to my group that I would be a Catalyst for positive change in the lives of everyone I came to meet. That became my personal mission statement. These are declarations of Being/Becoming.

When you’re with men who share a like-mindedness about growing, maturing, figuring life out and doing it better, it’s a rare path. Compared to the solitary life where you try to figure it out alone, it’s not even close. It’s magnitudes better.

The Ironmen group not only holds up a mirror providing you with meaningful feedback, they can also help you brainstorm ideas on how to break out of your comfort zone, set daring goals, put a plan together to achieve them, and identify when you might be fooling yourself. One day I stepped out of my comfort zone and told Rich he needed to ask for a raise. We talked it through. He did it the following week. Bingo. Obviously these letters to you are a result of the feedback I got from Brad and Rich.

You are old enough today to know that if you improved your energy and consistency 1% from whatever level you currently hold, then you would be a powerful example of how to live life. If you’re not in a group, ask yourself why you’re not. Is it a bad idea? Is it because you don’t have time? Is it because you don’t have guys you’d trust? Is it because you’re passively in your comfort zone and getting out would be too much? At least be clear on why.

There are levels of you in the future: A good, a better, and a best version. Today you are deciding which version you’re pursuing. I hope you come to ‘Know Thy Best Self”.

To your continued success,
Dave

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By | June 19th, 2015|Relational|0 Comments

Father Wound

My employee came into my office this week requesting prayer for her nephew. He’s only 15. His mom died of cancer last July, so he’s living with his aunt and grandma. Yes, he does have a father. I don’t know that part of the story. But the part I do know is wrenching. Young Jamie was at the mall where he saw his father. They saw one another. His father walked on with no acknowledgement. This 15 year old boy is not a part of his life. Jamie’s spirit was crushed.

My story I’ve already talked about. “Dad, I have done everything in my power to make you proud of me. It is one of my greatest desires. But at 38, if I’m not going to earn that, I’ll just have to move on without it.”

Father Wound. It hardly needs definition.

When you compare the 2 stories you can see that Jamie’s wound is much deeper than mine. Mine is a paper cut compared to his gaping hole. And that’s where most men are, in varying degrees of unwholeness because their father fell somewhere on a scale between Imperfect to near Evil. This Father Wound issue, in my opinion, is one of the central issues, if not THE central issue, at the heart of what ails America. Fathers who fall short, often very, very, very short, of being what a child needs to grow up to produce a healthy and happy life. Are there any insights that might help us grow past our own hurts, trivial or deep-seated, so that this generation does not pass along the same degree of wound to the next?

There must be some sort of scale of that somehow measures the Quality of Father-ness, say a 1-100 QF Scale. At 50 on the scale, the father is ok, not good, not bad. At 20, the father would leave a lasting scar that probably would affect several subsequent generations. So too, at 90, the positives could launch subsequent generations in the higher sphere of well-being. Let’s assume a standard distribution of fathers that fall between Great on the high end and near Evil on the low. Therefore, the majority of fathers would be within 1 standard deviation above and below average. The result would be that a majority of children would all have issues that would be considered “normal”, slightly above and slightly below average.

Is this idea valid when looking around at real people? When I look at everyone I know well enough to evaluate their upbringing and how their life is going, I’d say “yes” it does make sense. I know some people who are very well adjusted people, happy with their upbringing, great marriages, kids are great, finances solid, and life is very, very good. I would draw causation between their childhood and their adulthood wellness. Conversely, I know the opposite situation. I wrote about Scott’s difficulty. I would guess my dad’s QF is 75. Scott’s QF around 20. Jamie’s is likely to be 25-30ish. I’m hoping my kids would say their QF is well above 50.

So what does this matter? Why rate the QF from your upbringing? Well three reasons, I think. It first has to do with awareness. Let’s go back to Jamie and his potential journey. Between now and say 25 years old, you figure he might deal with self love issues. “If my dad didn’t love me, why should I love me? There must not be much to love.” So self destructive behaviors can come into play for those with very low QFs. Jamie is likely to be a victim to his father’s issues. Indeed he was a victim, but at what point will he stop being a victim? With no science to back me up I’m declaring that the age of accountability is 30. So from that point forward, it’s no longer his dad’s issue, but Jamie’s. So if he’s ignorant of why he lacks confidence, smokes cigarettes (I’m making all this up), has anger issues with his girlfriend, drinks a bit too much too often, and can’t climb the economic ladder, whose fault is it now? It’s Jamie’s. And Scott’s, and mine, and your’s. After the age of accountability, if your life isn’t working out as well as you’d like, then you’re not a victim to your upbringing. Awareness of that fact is primary.

Now if your upbringing QF was a 60, then you certainly are better off than Jamie and the hole he’s starting from. No doubt there are issues that you are aware of that would have been nicer had your dad played more soccer with you, engaged you in your issues, challenged you to grow to the next level, whatever. But those are not debilitating wounds. They’re “normal”. For those above QF 80 where their fathers were for the most part positive influences, the issue can be one of entitlement that life is too easy. That blessing can be wasted for subsequent generations by losing “the motivation to overcome”. So, again, awareness is important.

Second, if you think your QF is above 50, then you are saying that at least 50% of the men in the U.S. have had it worse than you. What do you suppose their confidence level is, higher or lower than your’s? Do you think they are better off or worse off when it comes to overcoming difficulty? So, estimating your QF will help you gain context to how you should be feeling and acting. If you were born into a QF 70 and can’t get motivated to bring your best to your own life, you blame your childhood for your lack of motivation. So too, if you’re a QF 40, you know you’ve got some work to do to get healthy and make sure you don’t pass on the sins of the father. You’ll need to really focus to make sure that your marriage is strong and you take active steps to stay on the path to health.

The third reason the Quality of Father-ness of your upbringing is worth knowing is so that you can bring yourself to forgiveness. Life is hard. People make mistakes. Men get confused. Willpower to do the right thing fades. Ignorance abounds. By being aware of where you came from, if you hold bitterness at the core of your being you will have a tough time building a great life. This idea that “If my dad had just loved me…” is self-focused. Yes, it may be true, but a self-focused perspective doesn’t understand why he was who he was and why he did what he did. It’ll be tough to love yourself, have confidence in your life, build a family of well-being all the while holding on to a disappointing childhood. I believe that for you to be the biggest version possible (and for your children to be the biggest versions possible), you must resolve, forgive, and bless those from which you came.

Listen, every man has some father issues. For some reason, God has set it up that way. There is a reason, a positive purpose, for life being the way it is. I suspect that God set it up thus so that we can come to the spiritual path of forgiveness, love, otherness, and character development. God uses pain as an attention getting tool to work on these critical issues.

This week’s message was long and tough to encapsulate. My attempt here was to capture a very big and important topic that has a gazillion variables and distill it into a perspective that has practical value. In your Ironmen group, discuss QF as it pertains to your life. Rate your father. Identify obstacles your upbringing has put in your path and strategize how you’re going to overcome them.

To your continued success,

Dave

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By | May 8th, 2015|Relational|0 Comments

Monsters In-Law

I didn’t see the movie Monsters In­-Law. I heard it was horrible. But it does raise an important point ­ the number 4 reason for divorce is because of problems with In-­Laws. Here are my thoughts to work through those issues and/or protect your family from In­-Laws that are not adding to your family’s well­being.

Lis and I had it easy. Her parents lived 12,000 miles away in Sweden and mine were in California. Our Denver life was, for good or bad, parent free. We didn’t deal with rivalries on Christmas or Easter. Our children were not inundated with grandparents on birthdays. Weekends were subject to short phone calls and eventually long emails. It’s a shame really because our parents got along when they saw each other, though that was extremely infrequently. So for those of you on the other end of the spectrum, count some of it as a blessing.

As I prepare for a life with children who will find someone, get married, and start a family, I am sure I’ll have an opinion on the quality of person they have selected. Did they marry up where my heart will immediately embrace them into our clan? Or will they marry someone whose style or prospects leave me wondering what the attraction is? I don’t know. I introduce the topic this way because I want you to think from the parent’s perspective. The person you are (or will be) married to has been a multi-­decade long project for these people, just like you have been to your parents.

So let’s say it’s not a great fit. Now what? Your first priority is to your nuclear family ­ your wife and kids. You handling your parents is going to be relatively easy. “Mom, Dad, I married Suzie. She’s my wife. If you love me, then you need to honor my choices. It will be very easy for you to see her as I do, but if you can’t, you need to know that I’m with her. If you have positive suggestions on how we can make our life together better, I am very open to them because you have given me good insights in the past. But let me emphasize that they must be positive suggestions. Any belittling of her won’t end well with my relationship with you. You want me to grow up strong, well, that starts here. I love you.”

The tougher part will be to protect your marriage when her parents don’t think you’re up to their standards. It will take time and patience on your part, a bit of selling, and ultimately a good amount of grace to love them despite their perspectives. Since Suzie is not going to forsake her parents, you will need a strategy. (“Pat, you’re going to need a strategy.” Movie quote?). Here’s my two cents.

Understanding. Always seek understanding before you seek to be understood. Always. And certainly before you react. In some way you’ve learned that her parents have an issue with something you’ve said or done or how you’ve come across. Is it a short term thing or is it more substantial than that? If it’s short term, figure it out and apologize. Doesn’t matter if you were at fault, you’re a big enough guy to say, “You know, this whole thing didn’t come out right and that’s not what I want. I apologize (Not “I’m sorry) and I want to make it better going forward. Please let me know how I can make things right.”

If they say, “Divorce our daughter”, you’ve got a long road in front of you. Chances are they won’t make it that clear. But afterwards, you still get the idea clearly or vaguely that they’re not enamored with you. It’s important that you connect with your wife that her parents will come around eventually and for her to just hang in there. Because you don’t want them to undermine your relationship with her.

At some point, you need to discuss with them who you are and where you are taking your family. Not their daughter, but your wife. They may not be ready for that in reality, but with your wife’s support, you are only helping them deal with reality as it is. I don’t think cutting them off is wise or appropriate. You want your wife to love them and not be conflicted. But for your family to thrive, you can’t have negative messages infused into your daily life. So you agree to meet with them to discuss the tension that exists.

In any of these meetings, getting angry or accusatory won’t get you where you want to go. Softly and firmly providing clarity is the key. “We are married. I am not intending to steal her from you. I intend to honor and love her like I said in my vows. I intend to grow with her which you seem to think I can’t do fast enough. But nonetheless, it won’t be for lack of trying. I very much desire your affection and approval. However, if I can’t get it, I’ll have to learn to live without it. Let’s be open with one another so we can all grow in this new era that we’re in. I will do everything in my power and ability to make this a great relationship. I will honor your wishes if it’s in agreement with making our lives together harmonious.”

The best you can do is the best you can do. Some people will have a tough time letting go. You may never measure up to expectations that were set a couple decades ago. But you can have integrity and not contribute to any negativity that exists. Eventually, with maturity on your part, you can lead them to their own resolution.

This path of conflict resolution is a standard path no matter who the person is on the other side of the conflict (unless it’s ISIS I suppose). Be upfront. Understand. Stay calm. Don’t accuse. Restate their position, acknowledging the other person’s perspective as valid. Provide your perspectives and identify areas of agreement and mutual goals. Build on that. Take responsibility. Follow up. Know that you represent the culmination of the parents hopes and fears for their daughter’s future. You should therefore provide the situation some grace.

To your continued success,

Dave

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By | March 26th, 2015|Relational|0 Comments

The Most Important Decision in Your Life

Before I get to the discussion on your life’s most important decision, I wanted to introduce OneFamily. My wife and I are now writing a letter alternating every other week with our great friends Rich and Shelly Howard. The letter, like these Ironmen letters, is designed to drip a little insight that we’ve gleaned over the last 30 years of marriage. For those of you who are married, OneFamily is intended for you and your wife. Here’s a letter Lis and I wrote a week ago on how we overcame small irritating arguments – “Rewind the Tape”. I would be honored if you’d check it out and have you and your wife Sign Up.

I recently received an email from an Ironmen who posed a question regarding his girlfriend and an issue they faced. She comes from a wealthy family and enjoys a lifestyle of economics that implies freedom – freedom to buy stuff, go places, do things. This young man has had a good upbringing too, but not with the same degree of freedom she displays. His question and concern was whether this disparity was going to cause the relationship major problems down the road. His long term career desire is to pursue an academic life that might require a moderately tight budget and he didn’t want to be forced into fulfilling a lifestyle that would push him perpetually into worrying he wasn’t making the grade. He and I connected by phone and discussed who he was, what he wanted in life, how he was going to get there, and who he wanted to get there with. And THAT is the most important decision in your life. Who are you going to travel down life’s highway with?

Here’s this young man with a girlfriend he really enjoys, but sees potential issues that could grow into major areas of dissatisfaction and conflict. Isn’t it better to head off life’s agonies by diverting to another path? Yes, of course, and no, of course not. In retrospect, the answer will be clearer, but alas, such clairvoyance isn’t available. We must decide in advance whether this issue or that issue will be a stumbling block or a stepping stone to fulfilling our marital potential. And fulfilling marital potential will affect every part of your life – from business and economics, to health and well-being, to other relationships, to our spiritual life. If your cup is full you have more to pour out. If empty…

So here’s what I see the issue is with this young man and his potential life mate – fit. Do they fit together. Pretty weak, I know.

There’s personality fit of course. Do you enjoy her company? For me, I have not had one instance in 35 years where I didn’t enjoy Lis’ company. Of course she’s said things and done things that have irritated me, but that didn’t change my feelings for her much. There was a time when we argued quite a bit, but I still enjoyed her in times of non conflict. Even though she was from Sweden and I grew up in suburban Southern California, we came from similar backgrounds of socio economic means and culture. Our outlook on life was similarly ignorant and compatible. She’s hot, which helped.

Religious culture can be a big deal. My son dated a gal who I didn’t think was a fit for him. Her background was Eastern Orthodox Catholic. She grew up in a family of daughters where, as Dano described it, the father was marginalized a bit. Though she didn’t adhere firmly to the Catholic Faith, I thought that when kids arrived there would be a gravity that would pull them a direction where I didn’t think my son would thrive. I didn’t think she was a fit for him because of the culture that derived from her religious cultural upbringing. Eventually he came to that conclusion on his own.

Money fit can be a big deal, but also might not be. I have known a few marriages that ended up in divorce because she came from big money, screw you type money, and therefore had choices. One of those choices included not needing to take crap from him, or, in other words, not compromising. However, I have also seen the opposite work because there is small comfort in money when marriage sucks, so compromise is a wise course.

And that’s almost where we left the conversation. But since everyone has this “fit” situation, it leaves a fairly major question on the table – if you recognize a no-fit situation, what do you do?

A major life skill is being good at reconciling differences. A major life skill.

To reconcile your perspectives with your future wife on a subject of concern, you must dig deeper into values and assumptions. You need to play “What if” scenarios on potential future outcomes. You need to brainstorm as to how you and she can both get what you want. One thing you don’t do is make her “wrong”. The goal isn’t to defeat her perspectives, but to find common ground. Another conclusion to avoid is “Agreeing to disagree”. This just kicks the can down the road when the power structure might be different. Find common ground and build the relationship there while you continue to work on the differences which may take time.

By going through this reconciling process, you’ll be able to determine if you’re miles apart (She wants 8 kids, you want 0) or just a small distance (You want 3 kids, she wants 2). Maybe you’ve just been using different words to say the same thing and you’re not in conflict at all (“I thought you said you wanted to live with your parents, not that you never wanted to live with them.”). If the gap is small, then compromise is possible (“Let’s have 2 children and a dog”). A trade on one small thing for another is a win because she’ll likely value some things differently than you anyway.

This young man should lead the discussion (not argument) in a time of non conflict to dream about the future: How many kids, what kind of house and cars, where to live, how much independence from parents, what kind of travel, etc. Compare and contrast values: Is traveling more important than a third child? Is a big yard more important than a big library? “If I were to say no financial help from your parents and as a result we couldn’t buy the house you liked, how big a deal is that?” Reconciliation isn’t just a conflict resolution skill, it’s a leadership skill to getting buy-in from all stakeholders.

Your lifelong partner must fit with you. As you envision your future together, her vision and your vision must meld together in a shared view to a happy life. And it’s your job to lead in that reconciliation process.

To your continued success,

Dave

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By | February 12th, 2015|Relational|0 Comments

Sex #5

In these Letters about sex, I have been attempting to bring into open discussion insights gathered over 30+ years of being an adult. In Sex 1, I highlighted different scenarios where sex sent distinct messages and labeled them accordingly. In Sex 2, I pointed out some pitfalls in today’s sexulized world. In the last two Letters, Sex 3 and Sex 4, I looked at sex from the man’s perspective and somewhat from the woman’s. Those were to set the stage for today’s message by drawing out what is foundational in a great sex life. Today’s Letter attempts to point the way with suggestions on what to do to improve your sex life.

It’s very, very important here to understand what I’m talking about and what I’m not talking about. You have a driving desire to have a fulfilling sex life that is a component, only one component, of your overall desire to have a fulfilling life. To that end your thoughts, attitudes and actions with your mate creates a self fulfilling prophecy on how that goes. However, if you think doing the dishes a couple of times will get you wild sex at the end of the week, you’re in for some rude disappointment. That’s called manipulation. What I’m talking about is engagement where you are present and forward moving in relational growth.

So, for guys it’s easy to think of sex as an event, a transactional exchange – veni, vidi, veni. For women, they tend to think of it as the culmination of a series of relational events. Though each person has a veto card, I have never played mine. I can’t think of an instance where I would. And since women are more delicate and thereby more easily knocked off track, the veto card can be used, is used, and is available for use at any time. I would imagine this is true in all normal relationships. So the first step in improving your sex life is to realize whatever turbulence you have, it’s part of God’s plan for marriage. No, that’s not a “suck it up” statement. It’s an intro into the true path to a happy life.

Leadership. This is not rocket science here. If you are looking for a more satisfying sex life where you engage in more quantity, more passion, and where more variety isn’t you pointing at your crotch with your left hand and whimpering. No, the answer to your desires is by engaging in an exploration of where each of you are going in life and sharing a vision of how you can help each other get there. I may have already talked about this but: One night my wife and I were in bed arguing for the umpteenth time about something or other. The issue was then as it most always was – a power struggle for the other person to love first. Of course the specifics always varied, but the theme was the same. Who was right and who was wrong – “me always, you never”. Then that night, I remember it like it was last night, I was hit by an epiphany – “I need to stop this. It’s not about me vs. her. It’s about us getting on the same page and figuring it out together.” Maybe this is simple to you, but at that time it opened my eyes. I did stop arguing. I stopped immediately then and I’ve stopped ever since. Our marriage went from a 6 to a 10 in no time. Why? I changed. I grew up. I changed me first and stopped trying to change her, but instead tried to grow us. The quality of our sex life followed.

As a consequence, we had discussions about problems in our relationship that weren’t accusational, inflammatory, button-pushing events. We were now mature enough to look at life with fresh eyes. We were able to ask the important questions:

What are your wants and needs?

What are your expectations about frequency?

What about fantasy and passion?

What can I do to make it so you feel my love for you?

What are the things I do that diminish your love for me?

In other words, I had been whining. I had been acting like she owed me sexual favors because I earned the money or worse, I performed a few chores around the house. Wow. That was not going to have our marriage go down the right road.

Of course, she had to be willing to participate in such a conversation. My epiphany didn’t automatically result in her realization. I had to sell my new attitude with action and consistency. Otherwise, this “new me” would have looked like manipulation. If you think about it, sulking, anger, short term efforts to get more poured into your own cup doesn’t have the same effect as a shared vision on how to win/win one another’s love language. It became so obvious that this path of talking and agreement was so much more effective than the high school drama silent treatment that conveys the message “Well, you should just know what I want”.

We agreed to make serious effort at fulfilling what the other person wanted that said “I love you.” She wanted me more present in my claim of love – play with the kids, help with the dishes with a happy attitude, appreciate her efforts to fix up the house, help make the bed, clean the toilet up after myself, get my clothes actually in the hamper, demonstrate in a non-sexual way that I wanted to be with her, show involvement in all things Marr, make her feel special. For me, I wanted her to be more intentional in being together physically, touching me as she passed by me in the kitchen, compliment me in my leadership, take note of my efforts at work, acknowledge that I was trying to engage and lead, make me feel special.

It seems so simple, almost simplistic. If it’s so simple, what’s the problem? The problem is it’s easy to forget. It’s easy to think “She’s having a bad day.” “She’s on her period.” “She upset that I didn’t help with the dishes, but doesn’t realize what a tough day I had.” “She, she, she…” In other words, difficulty starts when you want your cup to be filled first or believe that you’ve already done the filling. “Love your neighbor as you love yourself” isn’t about your neighbor feeling your love. This universal truth that Jesus says is the 2nd most important spiritual directive because its about where your focus should be. It’s directed at your perspectives and your actions.

If you want your wife to surprise you with a night of passion, when was the last time you surprised her with a baby sitter lined up and a dinner out?

This Letter is to Ironmen on what you can do to improve your sex life. It’s not a letter to your wife on how she can improve your sex life. Therefore, the best road to take is where you own your life, develop a plan on how you’re going to have a fantastic life that includes abundant sex, act on that plan daily, engage your wife in the fun and adventure that you’ve embarked on together, and be the man that God had intended you to be. It may not be the easiest road because it may require you to grow up some, but it’s the best road. Not the easiest, but the best. If you want a life of abundance, what are you doing to create that life?

To your continued success,

Dave

P.S. Please let me know if this 3 part series was valuable to you. Thanks.

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By | November 7th, 2014|Relational|0 Comments

Sex #4

Last week in Sex 3, I talked about the psychological nature of sex as it pertains to a guy’s needs which, if satisfied, can lead to intimacy. Because a guy’s biology for the most part works evenly and continuously; we are simple creatures. Not so for women. Women are neither even nor continuous, and so are therefore complex. I do believe this is a blessing to man because it appeals to two very important aspects of a man’s nature – desire for sex and propensity to problem solving. Pursuit of sex matures us mentally and matures our character as we unravel the mysteries of a woman’s being. I will foolishly attempt to provide some insights into my decades of observation.

Before I forge ahead into a foolishness of this magnitude, I do want to throw out some caveats: 1) My 35 year old self would have read this Letter looking for insights into how to increase the quantity and quality of my sex life. Therefore, that is my goal for you here. 2) I believe that sex is God’s gift to mankind, not only designed for our pleasure, but provided as a destination/journey thing. If sexual pleasure were all we had, our relationship might eventually become empty. Therefore, God toys with us on quantity and quality in order that we seek a greater destination – intimacy. 3) Not all women would fit into my little perspectives gladly. These are my male perspectives and, as such, wrong. I provide them to you for perspective as you navigate your own sex life towards increasing intimacy.

Female biology.

As you know, the clock ticks much faster for a woman than a man. A woman must find a man by roughly age 30 in order to fulfill what she considers a prime driver in her life, having a baby. (Yes I know. I am not going to capture a large swath of exceptions, but I’ll need you to forget all the stuff I’m missing if we are to get anywhere.) I think this factor leads some women to weigh more heavily the practicality of the timing in a relationship than otherwise as time passes, so powerful is the need to procreate. Watching the movie The Help, she can relate to the mom’s warning “Eugenia, your eggs are dying.” Women have gradations of concern similar to military defense readiness. If Mr. Right shows up on time, dates appropriately, courts appropriately, weds appropriately, beds appropriately, then she’s at Defcon 5 (least alarm). But if dating languishes and courting seems remote, then the clock ticks louder and she goes from Defcon 5 to Defcon 4. You see where this is going. By the time she gets to Defcon 2 because her boyfriend wasn’t ready to get married and have kids, she’s outta there and actively on the hunt. There are a zillion movies about this. Insofar as men are waiting later in life to get married these days, women are getting more aggressive and may lower their standards as to what their morals are and with whom they’ll have sex. Their eggs are dying. Overly simplistic? Hmmm. I believe it’s a major factor.

In addition, short term biology plays a significant role in a woman’s attitudes about sex – the monthly cycle. Some women have a 3-day menstruation, some a 10-day. Some have debilitating cramps, others none. Some have hormone swings that range from vixen to bitch where only an off comment separates the two. So it’s dangerous to try and group all women into one category. But it is reasonable to say that most women are impacted by their cycle and that it is likely considered a hassle instead of a blessing. I say that because of the hurried pace of today’s couples. Even though monthly bleeding is a blessed part of motherhood, society is uncomfortable about it. It’s pushed aside. In relationships, I suspect it gets in the way of regular sex, vacation time, date night, and is cause for many a frustration. So when Aunt Flo comes for a visit, she’s often not a welcome guest.

Biology leads directly into psychology. It doesn’t take long in a sexual relationship to figure out the menstrual/hormonal timing for women. But what does take a little bit of insight and sensitivity is catching on to the attitude that borders a woman’s cycle, her body, and her femininity. It appears to me that a degree of shame and low self esteem affect women regarding menstruation. Women, on average, are uncomfortable with their own bodies, particularly around their cycle. The hassle, the pain, the emotional roller coaster, the smell, the mess, the inconvenience, the message that society sends them that menstruation is something to be hidden – all compounds to a potential feeling of shame. It’s been called a curse and women consider it so to some degree. Furthermore, and this is a very subtle thing, a doubt emerges with this idea of shame: “Am I loveable as a person or am I just a sex receptacle?” In other words, does the man only need a soft jar for his seed or is he in a relationship with a whole person? Unravel that one. (Keep in mind that this is a very objectionable line of thought, but should be kept in the back of your mind when it comes time to discuss your attitudes and relational inputs.)

For a woman whose cup is half empty, or worse, a cup that runneth empty, sex can be perceived as debasing and objectifying. (How porn is depicted certainly supports that thought.) If she is dealing with low esteem or is fiercely avoiding self pity, a woman will send messages that sex is not fulfilling or sustaining; or conversely, she may regard it as nothing and provide it wantonly. A woman may not know specifically what she’s looking for, but it occurs to me that she is looking for validation as a woman when in a relationship with a man. Someone who will figure her out using her languages of love. Until maturity evolves in a relationship, she may not know how to articulate what she wants and may instead engage in bickering or power struggles (just like a guy does). My wife, who is a mentor to other moms at Mothers Of Pre-Schoolers says that her MOPS moms complain the most about lack of family leadership––which I interpret to mean power-struggles and finger pointing. The puzzle to solve is for me to pour into her cup in such a way that allows her to pour out in turn. That takes vision, sometimes therapy, love in action, and patience.

For a woman whose waterline isn’t below the halfway mark, sex certainly is more an element of a well-functioning relationship. Though she may not suffer from chronic self esteem issues, she still needs her cup filled in a relationship in order to pour out. Young love finds it easy to participate in the pouring into one another’s cup. Doing little things, buying gifts, touching, complementing, and just hanging out. But over time as life’s busyness accumulates, it’s very easy to forget that newness, forget the balance, and forget the other’s needs. It’s commonplace to get into a routine that can become somewhat stale. A woman doesn’t warm to the sexual routine as quickly as a man. Here’s where issues arise, power struggles occur, and leadership is needed before weeds overrun the garden.

I have described above that women are more psychologically sensitive by their biology than men. The menstrual cycle and inclusive hormonal swings are an integral factor in how a woman feels about herself because of how she thinks her biology impacts the relationship. I have attempted to describe the implications of a cup that needs filling and how that lack thereof can lead to tension. I think a woman is naturally more inclined towards intimacy and is therefore, by nature, more vulnerable. As such she can be hurt more easily which also lasts longer than it does for men. She is looking for mature leadership from a man to create an emotionally secure world. All this by nature and by conditioning, a woman is less inclined to be the leader in bed.

The divorce rate is 50%-ish for a reason. I propose it is due in large part because of the issues described in these last two Letters – ineffective filling of one another’s cup. Sex is a major driver to happiness. For guys, by having sex, our cup is filled. For a woman, she needs to have her cup filled in order to have sex. Certainly she’ll have sex other times when her cup is not filled, but that is of a limited supply. Therefore, marital happiness and sexual satisfaction rests initially on the man’s shoulders to solve the problem of a woman’s nature and figure out how to fill her cup so she can in turn pour it out on him.

Next week: How to do that.

To your continued success,

Dave

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By | November 1st, 2014|Relational|0 Comments