The softness of her skin, the feel of her hand in mine, the taste of her lips, the laughter in her eyes, the sway of her waist, the roundness of her breasts, the response of her body to my touch, the tickle she feels at the nape of her neck, the comfort she coos in the crook of my arm, and the smell of her fills me with desire. It is because she is woman that I am man. The sight of her affects me. The companionship with her fills me. The feel of her arouses me. The idea of her motivates me. The engagement with her changes me. The partnering with her defines me.
The impact women have on our lives cannot be overstated. They love us; nurture us; motivate us; console us; care for us; organize us; give us feedback that supports us or brings us back to reality. Women, due to their nature, confuse us; anger us; demand of us; temper us; sharpen us; reconcile with us; and are loyal to us sometimes beyond reason. It has been so from the beginning because they are our suitable helpers.
Suitable is an interesting word. Having observed many marriages for a couple of decades, I can safely say that pretty much every couple I know is suitably matched, though not always harmoniously. I think God has created something incredibly brilliant here. He leads with lust and sexual attraction which I’m cool with, then he follows up with this increasingly complex thing called a relationship. Then comes children and responsibility. Wow, what a brilliant system to draw you in with candy and sweets then harness your male abilities to “provide and protect”. This has been going on for thousands of years. Unfortunately lately, “No Fault Divorce” seems to give men and women a door to escape which is almost off its hinges from overuse.
Let’s start with the ideal and work backwards. A suitable helper ideally is an ally that satisfies relationally, physically, emotionally, socially, psychologically, functionally and financially which ultimately lifts each person to new levels of well-being. Good enough. So why is the divorce rate around 50%?
It seems to me there are 3 relationships in a single man/woman relationship: The man with himself; the woman with herself; and the man and woman with each other. Each of these relationships must develop by resolving life’s issues in order to be suitable for the other. As a young man, you need to be reasonably mature in order to enter into a successful lifelong relationship. A man can’t have the maturity of a moody and frustrated 17 year old, can’t lack reasonable ambition, can’t be selfish and lazy, and can’t procrastinate at meaningful forks in the road. If so, the relationship doesn’t work out very well for the woman. A man can’t have major mom and dad issues. For example, if his parents were divorced and he grew up without a good model of what loving conversations look like, how to treat a woman, how to eat at the dinner table, how to resolve conflict amicably, how to divvy up responsibilities during the week, how to effectively use languages of love, how to reasonably delay gratification, and how to create a household that fosters growth. If a guy doesn’t have these things in his conscious or subconscious, then it could be a major problem in building something he has no experience in. And then there’s the comfort or discomfort a young man has with his spiritual and religious life. Will this blend harmoniously with her upbringing and take the family to a life of well-being?
All these elements are the base from which a man engages a woman and begins to sort through life’s challenges. Of course, same thing for her. The reason I think the divorce rate is so high is because if one or both of the two have unresolved issues, the relationship has extra unstated challenges. All the divorces that I know enough about to draw conclusions from I’d say were due to unstated base issues. These issues were not addressed early and often and therefore problems grew out of proportion to the point of being unmanageable.
The idea of suitability gets tricky here. In order to grow into a man that has a balanced life and the respect of his peers, a man must identify and resolve the issues of his mind and soul. He can only do that within an exclusive, intimate relationship of a woman. Without this exclusive intimacy, a man cannot resolve the conflicts of inner/outer realities. A woman suitably creates a contrast that must be resolved in order to reestablish harmony. This results in growth. I’m sure there will be plenty of disagreement on this. The degree and depth to which a couple becomes intimate can only occur as a result of continual engagement and resolution of life’s many issues. To think divorce is not a possibility in one’s life is foolish when 1 of 2 marriages end that way. Enjoy the good times; prepare for difficulty.
The Irommen’s design is to get together with two other men and discuss success in all areas of life, particularly relationships. Though this may sound trite, if you have tremendous success in business, but lack someone to deeply and meaningfully share it with, success can feel pretty empty. Conversely, if you don’t achieve business success but have a deep abiding love of a woman, your life will still have meaning. Of course, it’s nice to have both. Ironmen enhances a relationship with a woman by practicing the qualities of intentionality, transparency, and accountability, not to mention having loyal men to brainstorm solutions to current relationship challenges.
The takeaways here are thus:
You can’t become a larger more mature adult without having a quality exclusive relationship with a woman. Don’t miss this point because it intones conflict resolution.
The woman you end up choosing to be with will end up being suitable to your development.
In an Ironmen group you gain insights and maturity, skills and character, vision and discipline, initiative and intentionality. All of which will help your growing life of well-being with a woman.
In your Ironmen Group, you should identify what you’re looking for in your future wife whether you’re married now or not even dating. Also talk about how did your parent’s marriage was and how you’d improve on it? Lastly, I’ve already written a discussion on sex. It’ll be a multi part series.
To your future success,